Stuff Archives

Interestingly not an article about me or my health for a change, although I'm doing well - two weeks out of hospital with no complaints so far, thanks for asking. This is two articles I got from my local radio station 107.7 The Bone.

Tax Relief
April 15th is the tax filing deadline in the US and there's always talk about the stress around tax season. Which begs the question, if there's a season, when can I shoot tax inspectors? But I digress. NaughtyAmerica.com decided that it would be good to provide “tax relief” by allowing six porn films to be available for free download.

Now, I can't tell you whether these are any good or not as I've not watched any of them. What I can tell you is that I didn't see a link to the downloads from the home page of the site, but in the interest of providing a service to anyone who may want to take advantage of this offer, here's the url to the download page Naughty America 2008 Tax Releif. I don't know how long this site will stay active for, so you may want to go there now if this interests you.

Eau De Toilette Relief
Unfortunately this video has been removed from YouTube otherwise I would post a link. So, a couple of doctors in the Philippines filmed a surgery and then posted it to YouTube. The video showed them laughing and joking all the way through the operation and they are now the subject of an investigation. Quite right you may think - last thing I'd want is to see my operation on YouTube with a couple of surgeons laughing at me. Well, maybe, but would you expect to end up in hospital because you had a perfume / deodorant canister stuck up your arse?

Apparently this man offended his boyfriend by commenting on the size of his manhood. The boyfriend got upset and decided to shove the canister up the man's arse and it wouldn't come out so they ended up in hospital. The doctors then removed the item, but decided to have a laugh in the process. OK, so they probably shouldn't have recorded it and stuck it on YouTube, but I can't blame them for wanting to have a laugh. Also, don't you think the boyfriend that rammed the thing there in the first place should take some of the blame?

There's no good start to a week when you're at work and it doesn't get any better when you find out that one of your good friends died at the weekend. Casey was someone that worked at one of my clients that was a friend as well as someone I worked with. We worked very closely together on a large project that was fairly intense at times, but it ended up being successful.

After completing his role on the project where we worked together, he left to do a two year stint in Angola. He moved house to South Africa as a base for where to spend his time when he was not in Angola (the position is 28 days on, 28 days off). Tragically, he died in a boating accident in South Africa this weekend.

One of my best memories was when he left the San Francisco Bay Area. A bunch of us met up at the Exchange for drinks after work around 5:30 / 6:00. By and large it was one of those events where people stop by to say their goodbye's and then disappear. I was there from the start and, not surprisingly, was there at the end. The bar shut at 10:00, but the two of us decided that we wanted to get some more to drink so went up to the Holding Company. We weren't in the best of states when we got there and it didn't really get any better. The only thing is that we were in a slightly better state than the local nutters. We ended up getting into a conversation with these two guys who thought it was amazing that I was from England and Casey was heading off to Angola. So much so that one of them started writing poetry about it on the back of a napkin. I know it's San Francisco, but they weren't trying to chat us up, they were just genuinely weird. Anyway, probably hard to explain, but it was a great night and we ended up leaving the Holding Company at 2:00am when it closed. This was a Thursday night - Casey had finished, but I had to work on Friday and it was a killer. I've commented many times that I'm too old for this and it's probably true .... But a good laugh all the same.

Many more memories of similar good times and I hope that these continue for Casey in whatever the afterlife holds. I'll break my no alcohol stretch tonight to have a drink to him.

Cheers and RIP!

(http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24095067/ [edit - link expired])

I think it was Jasper Carrot that did a sketch back in the 80's about being concerned of people that take instructions literally. This was tied to the advent of the gel stick deodorants that you took the lid off and applied instead of using an aerosol. As the gel wore down, you simply push the stick up from the bottom (nowadays they tend to have a knob on the bottom to screw ... oh err!).

Anyway, these early gel sticks came with the instructions "remove lid and push up bottom". Mr Carrott duly pointed out that taking these instructions literally may not lead the correct application of the deodorant.

Anyway, I'm beginning to think that these instructions are specifically designed for me. I'm now wondering whether there's anything that I shouldn't be pushing up my bottom. After having had many, many things poked up there and a lot of stuff coming out all too quickly, seems that this has taken its toll on the old ring piece and we've popped a hemorrhoid or two. So, was in the hospital today to start the new wonder cure (rat dna stuff) which I've had and they said they'd give me something for hemorrhoids. The product is aptly named “anusol” as that's exactly where you need to put it - up your anusol. Seems the cure for having things poked up and out of your bum is to poke more things up there.

The instructions tell me to pop in one of these suppositories at bed time. One hopes that there isn't anything expected to come out after insertion as I normally plan to sleep after going to bed. I also keep reading the instructions and linking it to mouth wash or something and expect to see it say - pop one in at bed time and wake up with minty fresh breath. Somehow I don't think this is going to happen, but it would be interesting if I started doing minty fresh farts.

Everyone hate going to the dentist for when they do the cleaning? Well, seems I've found a little way to subdue the vigorous advances of the enthusiastic dentist / hygienist. Tell them you're on blood thinners and that if they cut you, you won't stop bleeding. Maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed that I avoided those painful moments when they catch the gums from time-to-time whilst doing the cleaning.

Good news, although I worry about speaking too soon, but I've been dodgy tummy free for over a week now. No diarrhea and no accidents (always a big plus). Seems to be thanks to coming off one of the drugs I was on it looks like they were causing the latest problems - appears I suffer side effects from Mercaptopurine (6-MP) which I think means I'm allergic to it. Anyway, it obviously wasn't doing me any good so I'm not taking it anymore.

I've been out of hospital since late Tuesday afternoon and I kind of have this “on parole” feeling as am wondering when the next thing will go wrong. I start the biologic (rat dna stuff that I talked about in an earlier blog) treatment of Humira next week so I guess there's always the potential that I'm going to get some weird and wonderful side effects from that. Hopefully not, but my run of luck has not been too good as of late. Also keep wondering how critical it is as I seem to be doing quite well on very limited medication at the minute - at least it's worked for a week anyway.

Was nice to Robert Kubica put the BMW Sauber on pole for the first time. And to be the first Pole to get a Formula 1 pole position. Also did well to keep it up there and finish third. Nobody really had anything to challenge Ferrari this weekend and probably a weekend that McLaren will want to forget.

Well, lets see what the week brings. I'm hoping that it will be very boring and not a lot will happen. Maybe a little excitement on Wednesday for my mum as it's her birthday.

Didn't take me long to get round to writing the follow up to the Smokin' Aces article that I promised in the prior blog (Backside of Me). Basically I'm really, really bored. Although I have my computer in the hospital, I can't hit the wireless network and am only able to use my PDA as a modem. Which means I can get online, but can't watch films or do anything that is going to require a lot of bandwidth. But at least I can get some crap written.

And talking of crap, that's what this is all about, so you have been warned! You might not want to read this whilst eating your breakfast (if at all).

So, in the Smokin' Aces article I referred to having a good week being one where I didn't take a dump in my pants. Well, I successfully avoided that, but I can't say that everything went where it was intended. So here's the log of my accidental logs.

First, you need to understand that I was admitted with serious dehydration because I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. Any of you out there that think you've had diarrhea, believe me, there is a whole new level to it that you're unaware of. Something that not even the hottest vindaloo can prepare you for. So they put you on IV fluids to re-hydrate you which is great until you start crapping that out as soon as it goes into you - yep, couldn't even keep down IV fluids either. Well, that right there would be a problem and is why I got admitted as they try to pump the fluids in faster than they were coming out. And believe me, they were coming out fast.

And the diarrhea itself is more like projectile vomit in that it is a violent jet/spray. Then the best of it is that I get between 0 and 3 seconds notice that it's coming - so you can kind of see that this is going to lead to an accident. I explain this to retain some credibility.

Accident #1

In ER I'd been flushed with 3 litres of fluid and had rung the call bell to get the IV disconnected. Nobody came before I needed a poo. Tried to get the IV pole into the bog with me and got sort of stuck in the doorway ... cramp, splat ... pool on the floor. Karen's in the room with me and is killing herself laughing saying “thank god we got to hospital otherwise I'd have to clean that up.”

A nurse comes and, you know you get those people that try to finish your sentences for you, well she was one of them. I tried to say “I called the bell to get my IV disconnected, but unfortunately I needed the bathroom in between and didn't quite make it and have had an accident on the floor.” I tried about four times whilst she kept interrupting and saying something about the IV so finally I just looked her in the eye and said “I've shit on the bathroom floor as well.” This was actually quite amusing as you got to see her face for those few seconds before what I'd said finally sunk in.

Accident #2

Moved to my first room ... a shared one!! Nice for the other person you would have thought. Actually, he had a sinus problem amongst other things which probably helped sharing a room with the turd meister. Now, this one isn't that funny, well not for me as I was seriously, seriously ill at this point. My fever had shot 103 and I was vomiting as well. So I started to poop on my commode, finished and was sat on the side of the bed. Thought I was going to vomit and was stood with my head facing into the bowl. My stomach cramped and all hell broke loose, only not out the front end. What I should have probably done is just stayed where I was and deal with the mess, but my natural instinct was to spin round as fast as I could and sit on the commode. Now think about it. You've added centrifugal force to the mix and the angle you pass through as you sit. This resulted in me created a six foot radius fall out zone that included bits up a wall and under the dividing curtain towards my room mate's bed. Needless to say, I got my own room some 30 minutes after that, so I know what to do next time I end up in the same situation.

Lets sidebar for two seconds on said room mate before you feel sorry for him. He was totally weird. He only spoke in one or two word sentences that he repeated multiple times. Every time a nurse came in he shouted “hey, hey, hey, he” until they looked at him then he'd just say “married, married, married ...” in some vein attempt to try and chat them up. That said, I did find him really funny in the morning when the lab came to draw blood. Most of the time nobody could understand what he was saying. Lab person shows up and says “I'm here to collect your blood” to which he replied “vampire, vampire, vampire bat, vampire bat”

Accident #3, 4 and 5 (aka the nurse that was in the wrong place at the wrong time)

There's only actually one accident here, but the sequence of events is so funny it's untrue. It started with me going for the anal scoping which you need to be prepped for with the go lightly. Well, I couldn't take the go lightly as I was vomiting so they decided to go with a series of enemas. Yep, even though I'm not holding anything down, they want to make sure there's nothing up there. (Another quick fact you need to understand - each nursing shift you get a qualified nurse and a care partner assigned to you). So the nurse tells me to lay on my left side whilst she administers the enema ... standing behind me :) ... I told her that I would poop it out almost immediately and she didn't believe me ... what can I say? No, I didn't get her. What happened was she injected the stuff, as predicted, it started to come straight out. I jumped up to sit on the commode, but she'd moved some stuff which caught on my IV line so I ended up with my arm behind my back on the commode not fully understanding how, but looking down at another soiled floor. The nurse did the brave thing and left the room and got the care partner to come in and clean up.

Fresh and clean. Was going about doing whatever I was doing, probably watching something on TV. Needed to go for another poo so sat on commode and did business, wiped and got back into bed. Pressed call button for someone to come and empty (I'll explain this process later). Next I heard a bang, looked round and the pan had fallen out of the bottom of the commode splashing poo everywhere. Yep, same care partner to the rescue and she wasn't happy as it was right at the end of her shift. On this note, I had a dodgy commode which they later changed after me pointing out multiple times that the bowls didn't fit inside the frame properly.

Ah ha, I hear you say. I thought it was accidents 3, 4 and 5 with the same person, but you've only mentioned two. Yes, you are correct, number 5 was at the beginning of her next shift. So, I had one of these real emergency less than a second notice ones. Jumped out of bed, grabbed the lid of the commode and flicked it up, only it didn't go all the way up and came back down again, so I was sat on the plastic covering and poo'd on that doing a speed boat impression. Actually got quite a good rooster tail going.

Thinking about it, given that I had five days of going at least every three hours, I don't think I did too bad.

So for the last explanation. There is a bathroom in the room, but I can't use it as they either need to collect my offerings for tests or to measure how much there is which is why I have to ring the bell for someone to come and take it away. Don't ask me. But the more interesting thing is that when they are collecting a sample you get a “hat” that fits on the bowl. To the front to collect a woman's urine and to the back for the stool sample.

If you have to provide a sample as an out patient, they give you a kit to collect it in that includes the hat and some pots etc. Now the best bit is that one of the samples has to be frozen immediately so you poop in the pot, put the pot in a sealed bag, put the sealed bag in another sealed bag with ice in it and put that in the freezer.

Just thought you'd like to know. Not sure why this comes to mind now, but next time you're round, you must try my new hot dogs. If you're really lucky I may have some Cumberland sausages in too!

So, after posting the Smokin' Aces blog last week that indicated everything was going well, it went backwards rather quickly. At 12:30 that night everything went south and in a big way. Vomit, Diarrhea and a fever. Nice - symptoms now worse than when I went in the first time.

Tried to ride it out, but ultimately ended up back in ER on Tuesday morning and being admitted to hospital later that day which is where I am now. I am debating whether or not to post a follow up article to Smokin' Aces as this week was not a “good week” as defined by that article. The article would be funny, but embarrassing - so I probably should post it.

Anyway, this is a weak follow up to the Inside of Me article. Now, I'm really upset that there's no way to get a video of this, but I had yet another probing only this time it wasn't going quite as deep so I had the option to stay awake for the procedure which I did so I could watch. Once you get past the sick worrying bit that you're actually looking inside yourself, it's so cool.

So it's a fibre optic camera. First thing is that it's on before it gets inside so you see it approach you from the back. Now, we've all tried to look at our bums in the mirror, but let me tell you, seeing it how others would see it is kind of very strange. I haven't really spent a lot of time thinking about what my bum looks like, but I didn't realize how hairy it is. Anyway, moving on (or should I say probing further?) we enter the forbidden zone (albeit not that forbidden at the minute).

Most of what you see is pretty much what you've seen on TV as the probe moves along tubes. What's really cool is when they do a biopsy. As I said, you need to divorce yourself from the fact that it's yourself that you're looking at and then you can appreciate it otherwise you're going to think you can feel it. So, this little thing shoots out and opens up. Exactly like the jaws of alien. It then closes and bites off a little piece before retracting and sending the sample back to the doctor.

As I said, probably a lot better if they could have video'd it and then you'd see what I mean, but it's totally cool.

Seems that the posting of the “Inside of Me” video got a lot of attention last week resulting in a couple of emails requesting more. Well, I've not had the chance to get out and create something new, but I do have some old material that I've now loaded onto the site. Before creating this site, I made up a couple of DVDs that I sent back to the folks. These mainly consisted of shots of William, but there was also a couple of other stupid things that I decided to do and put on there.

So, what's worth watching. If you're not a family member, the clips in the Other Videos are going to be of more interest. In my opinion, the best by far is still the first one I ever did - Kitty Poos - and I would definitely say this is a must see. Next on the list I'd put Rag Band with Cat Trick close behind it. San Francisco Animated Slideshow is worth it if you're bored and want to see an animated slideshow. Animated just means that the pictures move around in addition to transitioning between each slide. There's some fairly cool effects if you're interested.

Onto the Family Videos which are more interesting if you're related, but most of it are just pictures of William in various slideshows. Top of the list here would be the Wedding video as the running theme through it is quite funny. The problem is that the editing (I admit) is really bad - I left too much in there where nothing really happens, and the video itself is really bad - mainly shots of people legs. If you can put up with that and want to download overnight (yep - the fact that I left too much in has created a huge file which I can't edit anymore as I don't have the source) then this may be worth a watch. The rest of the stuff here is three different slideshows with essentially the same material and some video clips that have been added together. The most interesting slideshow is the Morphing Slideshow of William's First Year so would recommend that if you want to see some cool effects. Then maybe the Video Clips from William's First Year if you want to see something different.

Unlike the “Inside of Me” video that you really need to download the MPEG as you need the definition and size to see the detail, you can get away with the WMV version of these ones, although I'd probably tell you to download the MPEG of “Kitty Poos” because it's quite good and is probably worth the additional wait. Therefore suggest the MPEG for that one and then the WMV for the others. If there's one of the others that you really, really like, you could go back and get the MPEG later.

Have fun and let me know what you think.

I should have probably title this article “things that you take for granted” but wanted to give a quick shout out to Ace Freeley (of Kiss fame) for putting on a great show last night at the Regency in San Francisco. (And I definitely don't want anyone to get confused with the waste of time film Smokin' Aces which at best ... actually it didn't have a best - sending the DVD back was the best thing about it.)

So what the hell am I going on about. Well, got back from the show last night and Karen asked whether I had a good time and I said “yes - show was good, had a good laugh with my mate and didn't shit myself.”

Hmmm - interesting. Now, I'm sure everyone would agree that if you went for dump without removing your clothes, it's probably not going to rank as the best day of your life. And would probably rank as one of the worst and most embarrassing. That said, I also think most people don't really consider the fact that they avoided an “accident” as being a particularly memorable thing and something that contributes to it being a “good day.” But it seems that this now takes up a fair amount of my attention. There seems to be a level of comfort in knowing where the nearest bog is - well, I suppose not just knowing as if it's an hour and a half away, that's probably not that comforting, I guess knowing where it is and that you would be able to make it should the need arise. And there in lies another challenge. Not being the most mobile of people, the proximity of said bog needs to be fairly close in order to provide the necessary level of comfort.

One hopes that this concern wanes as I get better, but in the meantime, here's looking to having a “good week.”

Was back in the hospital on Tuesday to get a blood test to see if they've got the dosage of my pills right, so not for any kind of emergency or significant test. This kind of allowed me to look around for the first time without being too focused on the reason for my visit. It was interesting to see the programs that the health facility is running to help people avoid being hospitalized - healthy living and all that. Also, running seminars on how to deal with various types of illness.

The poster that caught my eye was the ldquo;Reminder for the upcoming Living with Alzheimer's seminar.” Made me wonder how many times they post the reminder and also got to wondering what the attendance rate was as a percentage of people that signed up.