Stuff Archives

Well, it's Thanksgiving once again. A time to spend with your family and be thankful for all kinds of stuff. Sadly my family was taken from me by a tragic genetic accident ... but now is not the time to be dwell on that and miserable. Oh no, it's time to celebrate.

Not wanting to be a party pooper and not participate in the Thanksgiving festivities I've decided to go all out. I understand that it's traditional to have turkey with all the trimmings, so I've just got back from Target with my festive fare pictured below.



Now, I'm a bit worried that I'm not going to get the most out of Thanksgiving, so I've decided to come up with a strict schedule so that I don't lose any minute of the day. It has to be planned right down to the last detail in order to make sure that nothing goes wrong with the preparations and execution of the perfect dinner. Gordon Ramsey eat your heart out!

OK - here's my thought.

8:00 am ... ish ... maybe 9, maybe 10, who knows. Depends on what time the cat decides to wake me up. For argument's sake, let's go with 8:00. OK, so 8:00am get woken up by cat wanting breakfast.

8:01 am - get out of bed and go for a piss.

8:05 am - head downstairs in underpants and T-shirt.

8:06 am - feed cat.

8:07 am - realize it's Thanksgiving and time to celebrate. Start day with a Fosters aperitif and toast the day.

8:10 am - open second Fosters aperitif.

8:12 am - realize that at this pace we'll be drunk beyond recognition by lunchtime and will make a mess of the turkey dinner.

8:15 am - open third Fosters aperitif with a vow that this is the last one to go down without some kind of break, but secretly realize they're going down very smoothly.

8:30 am - sit on sofa and contemplate life, decide what activities to do during the day and scratch testicles.

9:30 am - wonder where the last hour went and why there are now five empty bottles on the side. I'm sure I made a vow of some description ... but as my ex-wife made clear, vows are optional and not to be taken seriously ...!

9:35 am - have I really been scratching my testicles for over an hour? I should probably get a shower.

9:40 am - turn on TV ... just watch a quick 30 minute program before getting a shower.

10:30 am - decide there's nothing on TV ... what, seriously? Another hour has gone! If I don't start doing something, the day will be gone. Really! How many bottles are on the side? There were only five a minute ago. OK - there's definitely only one thing to do ... stop counting the bottles.

10:35 am - turn on Xbox - surely there's a bunch of other sad muppets with nothing else to do. Yep .... millions!

12:30 pm - seriously, playing games is for losers ... how long have I been at it? Two hours ... not too bad. Shit, I need to upgrade something on my Clash of Clans account ... turn on iPad.

1:30 pm - OK, probably time to get something to eat - let's start the turkey preparation. Time for a quick drink first. WTF! Where have all the Fosters gone. I'm sure I bought more than that. OK, well it's time for the lunch anyway, so let's have Heineken to start, followed by a Heineken main course and perhaps a Newcastle desert.

2:00 pm - why am I sat in front of my computer trawling the internet for porn?

2:15 pm - what have they been feeding their dicks?

2:16 pm - that's not going to fit in there .... guess I'm wrong!

2:30 pm - OK - this is boring now .... should I have a wank (masturbate for you Americans)? Maybe I could do that and then have a shower.

2:35 pm - decide a wank's too much effort, turn on the TV again.

3:00 pm - desert - let's crack open that Newkie Brown! So ... why is it the Toon Army again? Away the lads! Why isn't there any proper football on the TV?

4:00 pm - meeow .... time to feed the cat again.

5:00 pm - guess there's still nothing on TV then ... there's no way it's got this late and I've not even got dressed yet. Well, no point being extravagant now, might as well defer that task until tomorrow.

6:00 pm - didn't I say I was going to turn off the TV? Hold on a minute, I still haven't eaten yet. I think there's a bag of crisps somewhere and some cheese ... oh and I've got a jar of peperoncini's somewhere. Right now there's nothing in the world that I want more than a peperoncini .... or five .... or maybe ten .... WTF, it's Thanksgiving I'm going to have as many as I want!

7:00 pm - this has been a really productive day! I've achieved everything I set out to do. Seriously, I've not wasted a day at all. Everything I've done has been really focused and has been driving to a solution and the world is really great and I love everybody and it's all fantastic .....

7:15 pm - I'm back in front of my computer. I still don't understand how that fit in there .... should I feel sorry for the woman or the donkey? In fairness, they both look really happy.

7:30 pm - well I'm too drunk now to have a wank so I'd better just chill out ... I know, let's listen to some music.

8:30 pm - decide that we need to listen to specific music to fit mood .... something melancholic but uplifting at the same time ... OK .... got it!

9:00 pm - time to turn up the volume as this song really hits the mark ... but what about the neighbors? I'm not going to be living here in a couple of weeks, so it's not my problem.

10:30 pm - time to watch a film ... turn on some sci-fi film of one description or other.

12:30 am - time for more music ....

2:30 am - I don't think another beer would be wise at this time ..... bed!

It's funny .... I'm so looking forward to this. There are going to be millions of Americans getting into meaningless arguments with their relatives and visiting people they really don't want to. The only thing I'm really confused about is why did I buy the Turkey dinner as I don't see it getting eaten at any point during the day. Maybe I'm wrong ... maybe I should video the turkey dinner.

And by giant coc, I am indeed referring to my giant/healer raid on Clash of Clans. Not entirely sure why I did this, but I created a video of one of my coc raids and posted it on YouTube. Think it was just one of those moments where it seemed like it's a good idea. It's actually more difficult than it seems to talk through the video and I do make a couple of interesting mistakes that I'll analyze and try to work on (in my real life) ... or as I go about my business (so to speak).

One thing I will say is to make sure you watch the video on high quality 360p as otherwise it's a bit blocky.

OK, so this may be one of those things where you needed to be there and the video below is not the best I have to be honest, but here's the story. I was over in the north bay at my Irish friends for their daughter's birthday. Now. Well, anyone who's been to Ireland will know that there's a law that all TVs must be kept on at all times. The times I've been over there with my dad and we've gone into a bar and the first thing they've done is apologized for the TV not being on and turned it on immediately. Which is unusual as my dad would prefer the TV not be on in the bar. Anyway, my friends being true Irish conform to the law and do indeed have their TV on at all times. Well at least until this muppet went over there with his new phone. After losing my phone in a lake when I was back in the UK, I replaced it with a new one that comes with a built in programmable IR. So, I programmed it to their TV and Satellite system. Then proceeded to turn the TV off round about every 10 minutes.

So, the guy who's house it is, isn't the most technical person in the world when it comes to TVs, computers and the like. However, the person that setup his TV was there as well. I still can't figure out how they didn't manage to find out that it was me that was turning the TV on and off, but they didn't. It was sort of one of those jokes that once I started, I couldn't get out of. At one point it got quite heated between the person who setup the TV and the owner as they were accusing him of now know what he was doing. In the middle of the evening, they decided to try and fix the TV. The video below is a short video of them trying to fix it, but it's a little dark I'll admit. They had a torch out trying to see what was at the back, fiddled with all the settings then completely unplugged everything and reset all the systems including re-tuning the Satellite system in an attempt to find out why it kept going off.



I did eventually tell them it was me, but that was at 1:30 in the morning when everyone had left. Thankfully everyone was too tired to thump me at the time so I managed to survive.

First thing is to congratulate Jimmie Johnson and Chad Knaus on their sixth NASCAR title. There's absolutely no question that these guys are the team to beat and it looks likely to stay that way for the foreseeable future. Next would be to congratulate me on winning my NASCAR fantasy competition yet again. This year was even more impressive as it appears that I was the only one playing. Several others picked teams at the beginning of the season, but I was the only one who stayed on top of it and changed drivers throughout. That said, I didn't actually win very easily. Owen made some inspired picks that really panned out for him. Kurt Busch in the 78 Furniture Row car was definitely a highlight of the season managing to make the chase, but unfortunately didn't win a race. Another drive who failed to win a race was my very own Juan Pablo Montoya who exits NASCAR and returns to Indy Car next year. This does put me in a predicament of having to pick a new driver to support. I have to be honest, this is something I'm struggling with as I tend to be very loyal, so whoever I pick will likely get my support until they exit the sport. Do I go for one of the existing drivers or pick one of the upcoming stars? We will have to wait and see.

So, in this wonderful digital age, the school disseminates information via email to the parents. Now, I will be the first to admit that I'm probably not the model parent when it comes to reading what's going on at school. I tend to take the quick glance, see if anyone got shot and if not, delete it as it's probably not that important.

Well, I received an email a couple of weeks back saying to sign up for important text messages. I have to say I was a little skeptical as most people's definition of important is probably not the same as mine. Unless it needs to be sown back on, it's probably not that critical. However, I overcame my fear of being bombarded by pointless text messages and signed up. And I have to say I was wrong as it went about two weeks before I got a text and I didn't get spammed with messages about little Johnny successfully wiping his bottom before pulling up his trousers and pants ... admittedly a skill I still struggle with today.

And last night it came ... the first important text message. What was this oh so important message. I actually have no idea. I got a text message to let me know to check my email for important information that had been sent out.

I have to wonder how much money the school spent on putting in this text message relay system. And even more wonder at the genius that came up with this system of emailing me to alert me to texts that alert me to emails. Well, I'm going to boycott the next bake sale if that's how they're going to spend my money is all I can say.

Following the last article I posted on not playing with your ring, I was in a meeting the other day talking about general tactics on how to approach a client. It was suggested that “we should go helmet to helmet with them”. I'm hoping this is an American Football term and simply translates as going head to head with them. However, it was all I could do to hold in the urge to shout “not bloody likely!”

So, I was on this this leadership training course and they were giving advice on how to do effective presentations. All the good stuff around eye contact, hand gestures and all of that. Been there, seen it, done it, but always good to get a refresher every now and then. They also covered the what not to do, wringing or clasping hands, staring at hands etc. etc. Well, there are some things that just don't translate too well. The one piece of advice that caught my attention and I don't think I've heard before ....

“Don't play with your ring.”

I'm sure I was the only person in the room who started to chuckle to themselves, followed immediately by the though “but what if it's really itchy?” Sensing that this question would not be appreciated by either the group or the trainer, I decided to keep it to myself, but I did start to think about whether this advice should be adhered to the letter or if there were areas of grey. Clearly, the hand down the back of the trousers with deep scratch followed by a sniff ... probably a no and you'd probably lose your audience. But what about when you stand up and your underwear's trapped wedgie style in your crack. Is it OK to do a quick pluck?

Again, fearing that this question would not be valued by my colleagues, I decided to keep it to myself as one of those paradigms to ponder every now and then.

I met up with someone in the morning for a coffee and on the way back into the office there was a homeless person who had climbed up a pole and was holding a no entry sign to ransom. I actually video'd about 25 minutes. I've cut it down to 5 minutes, but it's still probably a bit long. After you've seen the beginning, it's kind of repetitive, although the end does show a friend of the person up the pole losing it.

Take a look if you're bored, but the summary is that guy goes up a pole. I hung around for 3 police cars, 2 fire engines and 1 ambulance ... along with the workers that were doing whatever work was being done to the utilities ... so quite a lot of people ... standing around watching someone up a pole about 7ft off the ground. There were several cries of “tazer his ass” from the crowd that gathered, like me, to video the event ... presumably hopeful that something grim would happen and you'd be the one to catch it on camera. Nothing happened whilst I was there except the street got closed to cars. I'm guessing the assessment was that this guy didn't represent a threat to the public so rather than bring him down and clear up the scene, it was left for him to either come down or fall down (I don't know which as I'd gone).

Can't help thinking ... how much tax do I pay and how much is an ounce of lead? Welcome to San Francisco!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!! How to make a fart hurt someone.

So, anyway, I was at work right and I went up to a female that I work with and they'd quite clearly farted just before I rolled up. Well, either that or they'd shit themselves, but I'm giving the benefit of the doubt here. Anyway, as painful as it was for me to stand in the stench zone, it was quite clear that she needed to drop another one .... so I stood talking to her. Even to the extent of walking two steps away three times and then turning back round to add something to the conversation.

There was something satanical about watching how contorted her face kept going as the pocket of air was trying to force its way out. Along with how tightly someone could cross their legs.

I have to admit that when I finally left I was rather disappointed that I didn't hear the biggest trouser rip behind me as the air once again filled with fug.

So, today was William's first day out fishing and I'm really impressed that he managed to keep his attention for most of the time we were there (a total of about 6 hours). Well, attention for most of the time except for the part where he fell in, but at least it was a warm day. Although falling in was caused with trying to sneak round the other side of the reeds to fire maggots at my float with the “slingshot”. Oh well, still was a good day and here are the pictures to prove it along with my mate Mat and his kid JJ.