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Why is it that people feel the need to have inane conversations on their mobile phones. Some people just can't seem to go five minutes without telling their other half what they're doing and that they love them.

Or to argue about something as appeared to be the case today. This lady was strolling out by where I work and what I got from the conversation was “yeah ... huh ... yeah ... ok ... bye ... yes I love you.” All I can say is that what I was looking at was not a face that was conveying love. Far from it. I don't know what this chap had done, but I'm pretty sure he was going to pay for it when his beloved got home.

And then there's those people that phone up to say that they'll be home in five minutes. Is your other half so predisposed to surprises that they couldn't deal with you just turning up at home after a day at work without being announced?

Well, not me. I called on the way home and my message was as follows - “Am on my way home, have been stuck in traffic. I've got a bit of a turtle's head poking through so I'm coming in hot. Clear out an LZ and make a path to the bog!” Essential information that I felt needed to be conveyed.

Now, I know what you're thinking - “I really didn't need to know that.” Some of you may even be thinking that I've painted a really bad image that you would rather not have had. Possibly thinking that you couldn't think of anything worse. Well, you're nearly right. What you really don't need to know is that now I'm back home, I'm sat comfortably and through the joys of wireless internet have just enough time to post this article!