Didn't take me long to get round to writing the follow up to the
Smokin' Aces article that I promised in the prior blog (
Backside of Me). Basically I'm really, really bored. Although I have my computer in the hospital, I can't hit the wireless network and am only able to use my PDA as a modem. Which means I can get online, but can't watch films or do anything that is going to require a lot of bandwidth. But at least I can get some crap written.
And talking of crap, that's what this is all about, so you have been warned! You might not want to read this whilst eating your breakfast (if at all).
So, in the
Smokin' Aces article I referred to having a good week being one where I didn't take a dump in my pants. Well, I successfully avoided that, but I can't say that everything went where it was intended. So here's the log of my accidental logs.
First, you need to understand that I was admitted with serious dehydration because I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. Any of you out there that think you've had diarrhea, believe me, there is a whole new level to it that you're unaware of. Something that not even the hottest vindaloo can prepare you for. So they put you on IV fluids to re-hydrate you which is great until you start crapping that out as soon as it goes into you - yep, couldn't even keep down IV fluids either. Well, that right there would be a problem and is why I got admitted as they try to pump the fluids in faster than they were coming out. And believe me, they were coming out fast.
And the diarrhea itself is more like projectile vomit in that it is a violent jet/spray. Then the best of it is that I get between 0 and 3 seconds notice that it's coming - so you can kind of see that this is going to lead to an accident. I explain this to retain some credibility.
Accident #1In ER I'd been flushed with 3 litres of fluid and had rung the call bell to get the IV disconnected. Nobody came before I needed a poo. Tried to get the IV pole into the bog with me and got sort of stuck in the doorway ... cramp, splat ... pool on the floor. Karen's in the room with me and is killing herself laughing saying “thank god we got to hospital otherwise I'd have to clean that up.”
A nurse comes and, you know you get those people that try to finish your sentences for you, well she was one of them. I tried to say “I called the bell to get my IV disconnected, but unfortunately I needed the bathroom in between and didn't quite make it and have had an accident on the floor.” I tried about four times whilst she kept interrupting and saying something about the IV so finally I just looked her in the eye and said “I've shit on the bathroom floor as well.” This was actually quite amusing as you got to see her face for those few seconds before what I'd said finally sunk in.
Accident #2Moved to my first room ... a shared one!! Nice for the other person you would have thought. Actually, he had a sinus problem amongst other things which probably helped sharing a room with the turd meister. Now, this one isn't that funny, well not for me as I was seriously, seriously ill at this point. My fever had shot 103 and I was vomiting as well. So I started to poop on my commode, finished and was sat on the side of the bed. Thought I was going to vomit and was stood with my head facing into the bowl. My stomach cramped and all hell broke loose, only not out the front end. What I should have probably done is just stayed where I was and deal with the mess, but my natural instinct was to spin round as fast as I could and sit on the commode. Now think about it. You've added centrifugal force to the mix and the angle you pass through as you sit. This resulted in me created a six foot radius fall out zone that included bits up a wall and under the dividing curtain towards my room mate's bed. Needless to say, I got my own room some 30 minutes after that, so I know what to do next time I end up in the same situation.
Lets sidebar for two seconds on said room mate before you feel sorry for him. He was totally weird. He only spoke in one or two word sentences that he repeated multiple times. Every time a nurse came in he shouted “hey, hey, hey, he” until they looked at him then he'd just say “married, married, married ...” in some vein attempt to try and chat them up. That said, I did find him really funny in the morning when the lab came to draw blood. Most of the time nobody could understand what he was saying. Lab person shows up and says “I'm here to collect your blood” to which he replied “vampire, vampire, vampire bat, vampire bat”
Accident #3, 4 and 5 (aka the nurse that was in the wrong place at the wrong time)There's only actually one accident here, but the sequence of events is so funny it's untrue. It started with me going for the anal scoping which you need to be prepped for with the go lightly. Well, I couldn't take the go lightly as I was vomiting so they decided to go with a series of enemas. Yep, even though I'm not holding anything down, they want to make sure there's nothing up there. (Another quick fact you need to understand - each nursing shift you get a qualified nurse and a care partner assigned to you). So the nurse tells me to lay on my left side whilst she administers the enema ... standing behind me :) ... I told her that I would poop it out almost immediately and she didn't believe me ... what can I say? No, I didn't get her. What happened was she injected the stuff, as predicted, it started to come straight out. I jumped up to sit on the commode, but she'd moved some stuff which caught on my IV line so I ended up with my arm behind my back on the commode not fully understanding how, but looking down at another soiled floor. The nurse did the brave thing and left the room and got the care partner to come in and clean up.
Fresh and clean. Was going about doing whatever I was doing, probably watching something on TV. Needed to go for another poo so sat on commode and did business, wiped and got back into bed. Pressed call button for someone to come and empty (I'll explain this process later). Next I heard a bang, looked round and the pan had fallen out of the bottom of the commode splashing poo everywhere. Yep, same care partner to the rescue and she wasn't happy as it was right at the end of her shift. On this note, I had a dodgy commode which they later changed after me pointing out multiple times that the bowls didn't fit inside the frame properly.
Ah ha, I hear you say. I thought it was accidents 3, 4 and 5 with the same person, but you've only mentioned two. Yes, you are correct, number 5 was at the beginning of her next shift. So, I had one of these real emergency less than a second notice ones. Jumped out of bed, grabbed the lid of the commode and flicked it up, only it didn't go all the way up and came back down again, so I was sat on the plastic covering and poo'd on that doing a speed boat impression. Actually got quite a good rooster tail going.
Thinking about it, given that I had five days of going at least every three hours, I don't think I did too bad.
So for the last explanation. There is a bathroom in the room, but I can't use it as they either need to collect my offerings for tests or to measure how much there is which is why I have to ring the bell for someone to come and take it away. Don't ask me. But the more interesting thing is that when they are collecting a sample you get a “hat” that fits on the bowl. To the front to collect a woman's urine and to the back for the stool sample.
If you have to provide a sample as an out patient, they give you a kit to collect it in that includes the hat and some pots etc. Now the best bit is that one of the samples has to be frozen immediately so you poop in the pot, put the pot in a sealed bag, put the sealed bag in another sealed bag with ice in it and put that in the freezer.
Just thought you'd like to know. Not sure why this comes to mind now, but next time you're round, you must try my new hot dogs. If you're really lucky I may have some Cumberland sausages in too!
