Well, it's Thanksgiving once again. A time to spend with your family and be thankful for all kinds of stuff. Sadly my family was taken from me by a tragic genetic accident ... but now is not the time to be dwell on that and miserable. Oh no, it's time to celebrate.
Not wanting to be a party pooper and not participate in the Thanksgiving festivities I've decided to go all out. I understand that it's traditional to have turkey with all the trimmings, so I've just got back from Target with my festive fare pictured below.
Now, I'm a bit worried that I'm not going to get the most out of Thanksgiving, so I've decided to come up with a strict schedule so that I don't lose any minute of the day. It has to be planned right down to the last detail in order to make sure that nothing goes wrong with the preparations and execution of the perfect dinner. Gordon Ramsey eat your heart out!
OK - here's my thought.
8:00 am ... ish ... maybe 9, maybe 10, who knows. Depends on what time the cat decides to wake me up. For argument's sake, let's go with 8:00. OK, so 8:00am get woken up by cat wanting breakfast.
8:01 am - get out of bed and go for a piss.
8:05 am - head downstairs in underpants and T-shirt.
8:06 am - feed cat.
8:07 am - realize it's Thanksgiving and time to celebrate. Start day with a Fosters aperitif and toast the day.
8:10 am - open second Fosters aperitif.
8:12 am - realize that at this pace we'll be drunk beyond recognition by lunchtime and will make a mess of the turkey dinner.
8:15 am - open third Fosters aperitif with a vow that this is the last one to go down without some kind of break, but secretly realize they're going down very smoothly.
8:30 am - sit on sofa and contemplate life, decide what activities to do during the day and scratch testicles.
9:30 am - wonder where the last hour went and why there are now five empty bottles on the side. I'm sure I made a vow of some description ... but as my ex-wife made clear, vows are optional and not to be taken seriously ...!
9:35 am - have I really been scratching my testicles for over an hour? I should probably get a shower.
9:40 am - turn on TV ... just watch a quick 30 minute program before getting a shower.
10:30 am - decide there's nothing on TV ... what, seriously? Another hour has gone! If I don't start doing something, the day will be gone. Really! How many bottles are on the side? There were only five a minute ago. OK - there's definitely only one thing to do ... stop counting the bottles.
10:35 am - turn on Xbox - surely there's a bunch of other sad muppets with nothing else to do. Yep .... millions!
12:30 pm - seriously, playing games is for losers ... how long have I been at it? Two hours ... not too bad. Shit, I need to upgrade something on my Clash of Clans account ... turn on iPad.
1:30 pm - OK, probably time to get something to eat - let's start the turkey preparation. Time for a quick drink first. WTF! Where have all the Fosters gone. I'm sure I bought more than that. OK, well it's time for the lunch anyway, so let's have Heineken to start, followed by a Heineken main course and perhaps a Newcastle desert.
2:00 pm - why am I sat in front of my computer trawling the internet for porn?
2:15 pm - what have they been feeding their dicks?
2:16 pm - that's not going to fit in there .... guess I'm wrong!
2:30 pm - OK - this is boring now .... should I have a wank (masturbate for you Americans)? Maybe I could do that and then have a shower.
2:35 pm - decide a wank's too much effort, turn on the TV again.
3:00 pm - desert - let's crack open that Newkie Brown! So ... why is it the Toon Army again? Away the lads! Why isn't there any proper football on the TV?
4:00 pm - meeow .... time to feed the cat again.
5:00 pm - guess there's still nothing on TV then ... there's no way it's got this late and I've not even got dressed yet. Well, no point being extravagant now, might as well defer that task until tomorrow.
6:00 pm - didn't I say I was going to turn off the TV? Hold on a minute, I still haven't eaten yet. I think there's a bag of crisps somewhere and some cheese ... oh and I've got a jar of peperoncini's somewhere. Right now there's nothing in the world that I want more than a peperoncini .... or five .... or maybe ten .... WTF, it's Thanksgiving I'm going to have as many as I want!
7:00 pm - this has been a really productive day! I've achieved everything I set out to do. Seriously, I've not wasted a day at all. Everything I've done has been really focused and has been driving to a solution and the world is really great and I love everybody and it's all fantastic .....
7:15 pm - I'm back in front of my computer. I still don't understand how that fit in there .... should I feel sorry for the woman or the donkey? In fairness, they both look really happy.
7:30 pm - well I'm too drunk now to have a wank so I'd better just chill out ... I know, let's listen to some music.
8:30 pm - decide that we need to listen to specific music to fit mood .... something melancholic but uplifting at the same time ... OK .... got it!
9:00 pm - time to turn up the volume as this song really hits the mark ... but what about the neighbors? I'm not going to be living here in a couple of weeks, so it's not my problem.
10:30 pm - time to watch a film ... turn on some sci-fi film of one description or other.
12:30 am - time for more music ....
2:30 am - I don't think another beer would be wise at this time ..... bed!
It's funny .... I'm so looking forward to this. There are going to be millions of Americans getting into meaningless arguments with their relatives and visiting people they really don't want to. The only thing I'm really confused about is why did I buy the Turkey dinner as I don't see it getting eaten at any point during the day. Maybe I'm wrong ... maybe I should video the turkey dinner.
